I have been feeling better these few days. I have not been suffering any panic attacks like previously and could get some good sleep at night. I know that not only is my body adjusting, my mind is trying to find a balance as well. Perhaps getting a religion helps in recovery, perhaps my body is stabilizing... nevertheless, I'm just glad.

Yesterday I Alvin invited me for lunch and we talked over it. Thanks for being there for me.

And you know what, I lost my handphone last Thurs! I took a cab with Mum and the next moment, I discovered my hp gone. It has ben rather hectic for me to retrieve all my contacts, especially when I have so many tuition contacts in my phonebook. Each day when I go for lessons, I have to ask my tuition-kids to repunch them into my hp, so eventually, I am able to get them all back by the end of this week. Another good thing is that M1 replaces my SIM card really fast when I reported lost -- they just gave me a new one and said I could use it immediately with no hassle at all. That was impressive.

The only thing is that all my old friends' contacts are lost. Some of them can be retrieved if I ask them on MSN, but many I wouldn't know if they would still like to stay in contact or not so I won't initiate the asking. So mostly, they are gone... for better or for worse I won't know.

An important reflection for me these days: I realize I have been indulging in too much dreaming for the past ten years. I have been living in a dream-like state most of the time, thinking that I was an important man, believing that I was really cut out for something great in life. How wrong I was when I reconciled with reality -- I was really a mediocre man, with nothing to my name and too much expectations for my own good. I have fallen from my high and surreal ideals. This is not to mention that I also have a huge debt to clear right now, a situation where I live day by day going for tuitions just for this purpose alone. With this assumption, reality easily becomes a suffering that is too much to bear.

The reconciliation is painful, and I have no one to blame but myself for getting into such predicament. I do not know whether I have become increasingly pessimistic, or I am only reconciliating with reality. But that is what has been going through my mind, and I'm not afraid to say it on my blog.

In short, I realize I have changed. The dreamy Soon Heng from last time is no more.

Me and Joe met for breakfast today at the 216 market, had a good chat with him as usual. I told him that I discovered myself to be actually weak and could not cope with things at times. He said that a religious faith will be powerful enough to help me cope, and I agreed.

Recently I have accepted Jesus in my life. I have found a lot of peace by this acceptance. Definitely my sisters and the ppl around me played a large part in convincing me... coupled with a bodily condition that I have found difficulties coping, things fit together like two pieces of jigsaw puzzle. Since it works for me, I shall continue to believe, but I don't know whether I can be labelled as a Christian yet.

Sad to say, I am not even sure whether this will be temporary or permanent. But I need help, and suddenly, spiritual help came in the form of Jesus. So I accepted.

That is what happened... really.

I'm weak.

There are many instances where I passed by gorgeous-looking girls on the streets, MRT, or in special places like the Esplanade when I go for concerts.

We exchanged looks, yet at the same time, that may be the only moment in our lifetime where we crossed. How melancholic.

I made this simple poem:

无痕

你我擦肩过，

相望了无痕，

一生一邂逅，

无缘既无分。

I realize I have been pessimistically writing blog entries about me coping with the condition of my body. Yeah, the fact is, this is one of the most real things to me now, so I am naturally writing about it. I don't know what is happening to me, nor have any idea whether anything harmful will befall on me. I have become paranoic, but who can blame me?

I have become more and more withdrawn, I don't feel like talking to ppl anymore. It may not be as serious as suicidal, but it's a somewhat pessimistic state of mind. Not wholly psychological, I also believe there is a physiological aspect to it. I think the body is currently focusing on adjusting its internal system and fine-tuning to homeostasis, so it needs to consume more energy than normal, causing me to become inward- rather than outward-looking. I see it as a process I need to undergo, hence I am not complaining.

But I also believe things will turn better once my body settles down. Yeah, that is my hope.

The other thing is, I try not to let it affect my tuitions -- I try go for tuitions as per normal. That has become increasingly harder cos I get tired easily, both physically and mentally. And I have to prepare myself for sudden constrictions, which is difficult to predict when they will occur. I just need to cross my fingers they don't just happen in the middle of a lesson and scare the hell out of my tuition-kids. Yeah, I will make sure that they won't. I have a feeling that they aren't here to stay for very long, I am passing by a stage where these troubles will leave me for good.

My condition has also forced me to take a hard look at reality. Suddenly I see many of my naive dreams of youth vaporized into thin air -- the dreams of being rich and successful, the dream of being in politics and do something for the ppl of Singapore. Yeah, I have been interested in politics since I was young, but I don't see anything happening for me right now. As one grows old, youthful dreams tend to die a natural death, what's more of someone who is undergoing a bodily change that he has not a clue about. When my mind reconciled with reality, it is doing such a good job in shattering my dreams. Things are harder for me now, so let me cope with my body first, before we talk about surreal dreams waiting to be realized.

And I hope this coping won't be very long. I will be back real soon. Really. 

I just had a constriction in the left side of my head. Not something that's painful, more of a nuisance, but this caused me to terminate two tuitions yesterday cos I can't concentrate.

Money lost is more painful. Ouchy.

I hope my body can settle down as fast as possible. There's really not much I can do about it either. Ppl say I should do qigong or meditate, but how should I go about doing these? I also dunno. I just hope the constrictions would pass away as I continue to recuperate.

Also, I've been rather stressed up recently. Joe said I should attend church so that I can talk to as many ppl as possible. Hmm... I try to talk to as many ppl as possible already, to let out some pent up steam. But the thing is only Joe and my family members -- maybe fEn also cos I just met her -- are listening to my story so far. I don't want to disturb others, cos they may not be interested, and my condition is personal as well. Something personal shouldn't be shared too much.

Overall, I think my condition isn't too serious; I suspect the body is merely adjusting for its own good and I may be treating it too seriously. It is just some constrictions in the head and it wouldn't kill, right? Also, the doctors who took my blood test already said I am physiologically ok. So why should I worry?

I don't know. Sigh...

But, sometimes, I'm scared. That's right, SCARED. I'm not so bold-hearted as many see me... I'm actually as scaredy as a mouse. Yeah, really.